5 minutes before the miracle [entries|friends|calendar] tina hollywood [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[July 26 2008 2:36am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - the Rocket Summer ] Dear you, This is the third and final letter I will be writing you.  I can't help but wonder if you'll ever read these, because I can't help but wonder if I'll ever develop the nerve to send them to you.  For months now, I've been too scared.  For all of the time that I've known you, I've been too scared.  I don't know what it is about you that makes me so scared to confront you.  But whatever it is, it's succeeding in making me feel like I'm trapped in a glass case that I can't get out of.  I'm watching you live your life, watching you continue on with your new friends and your new opinions... and I want to break out and hug you, break out and talk to you, break out and fall asleep to the thought of your voice.  I miss you. And it sucks.  It really does suck.  Because every time I feel like I've had it, you swoop out of the sky and make it better.  You call me and have amazing things to say, you call and confide in me like you used to, you call and tell me that you wish you could hug me again or that you miss me more than I could ever imagine...  I keep that conversation bottled in a part of my mind that is reserved specifically for things that make me feel better when I feel like shit.  I didn't sleep at all that night you called me, a Sunday night I think it was.   Your words just kept bouncing back and forth inside my head, making my heart heal just a tiny bit more before I would remember that you were drunk and probably wouldn't even be able to recall half the words you said to me the next day.  And you never repeated them, and things didn't get better.  So that was an entire nights worth of sleep, completely wasted.  On what?  Nothing.  Nothing but an empty drunken phone call that just got my hopes up that everything would be okay.  For awhile, I kept track of the days in between our phone calls.  The days turned to weeks, and for awhile I had trouble sleeping because I didn't talk to you.  What kind of a friendship is that?  Where you can't even call the person because you're too scared of interrupting something?  You were out living your new life, or your old life, or whatever life you've been living the last four months.  Oh my god.  Four months. I miss knowing that you were always there for me.  I miss helping you with your problems, and I miss when you used to call me when you were walking home from school.  I miss hearing you say my name and I miss hearing you say I love you before we hang up our conversation.  I miss being able to confide in you.  I miss everything. I miss you. I don't know what changed.  I don't know what I did.  And I don't know why I can't let you go.  I've let so many people come and go from my life that I just don't understand why I can't let you go.  You're just another person in my life, you're just another person I've put time and effort into that doesn't even care about me anymore.  And even if you do care, even if you do think about me sometimes and even if you do wish things were better, you have a terrible way of showing it.  I don't understand why I can't just let you go.  I've done this so many times in my life, I've moved around so much and I've made and lost so many friends that I can't hardly keep track of who is who anymore.  But you, I don't even know.  You've always been different.  You've always made me feel like I'm worthwhile, like I'm worth a three hour phone call at one in the morning, like I'm worth any of the words you've wasted on me.  But you've just proven to me that you're just like everyone else.  Willing to take advantage of everything I've ever had to offer you and just drop me like I'm a useless piece of garbage.  Which is all I really am anyway.  Thank you for confirming that. I hate knowing that you've replaced me.  I hate knowing that no matter how hard I try, things will probably never be the same.  I've fought for you for four whole months and I've gotten nothing.  I've gotten no where.  I wish more than anything that you could see it, see how hurt I am by you and see how much I wish that I could make things better.  But if I'm too afraid to confront you, then I'll never get anywhere.  I can't expect you to read my mind, read my feelings.  Because you can't do that.  You're half a country away and even farther than that from where I'm at in my life.  We were on the same page once, but now I'm not so sure. You're doing bad things.  You could so easily fuck up your life and I just don't want to see it happen.  I've seen boys like you mess up their lives and I just can't stand to even imagine you not having a chance at living a normal life like you deserve.  I've known so many people who've gotten involved in the things you're involved in... drugs, smoking, you name it, and they've just gotten so messed up.  I could name a half a dozen people off the top of my head who've ended up in terrible situations because they made the stupid decisions you're making... and I know you're better than that.  So drop your cigarette, please.  Please... for me.  This isn't who you are.  This is who you're trying to be. I was thinking about those last two lines just a while ago, and I realized something.  Maybe this is who you are.  Maybe the way I remember you is a way that you never really were.  Maybe I never really knew you as well as I thought I did.  Whoever you were though, you were the most important person in my life.  I don't care how terrible that sounds, because I know it sounds stupid.  I feel stupid for letting someone like you do this to me and not even fighting back.  But honestly, I have been fighting.  I've been fighting to keep you, fighting to keep you in a way that I can at least remember how good things used to be.  Because things are so bad now that I can hardly even bear it.  I've fought to keep it so that if you ever decided to wake up and remember me, that you could come back like nothing had ever happened.  Like I had never been hurt. There are things I want to say that I can't even remember.  There are an infinite amount of things I wish I could say to you that would make you realize how much you've meant to me over the course of the last year, and how much it hurts that you can't even spare a couple hours out of your life to care how I'm doing.  I got so used to you being the only one who really cared that I think now that you don't care.... I'm not sure what to do.  For the last four months I've been too scared to confront you because I've been too scared of what would happen.  I'd rather be hurt and upset, angry at you and angry at myself for not doing anything... I'd rather be weighed down with all those emotions than to have you even be just a tiny speck of mad at me. I don't know who you are anymore.  It feels like you don't want me in your life, and if you don't then all you need to do is tell me.  Please don't leave me waiting here like an idiot while I wait around for you to snap out of it.  I need to move on and find another person who can make me feel like I'm worthwhile, make me feel like I'm not totally worthless.  I don't know if that's possible, but I need to try.  Because this isn't working for me.  I truly hope that I get to send this to you someday, because I truly need to get this off my chest to YOU and YOU alone.  No one else.  And its gotten to the point where I would be okay if you didn't love me anymore.  I just need to hear it from you. Let me know.  I'm still waiting, you're still my best friend. Love always, Me. VIEW ADD

[July 24 2008 4:07am] [ mood | hurt and angry ] [ music | Jude Law and A Semester Abroad Acoustic - Brand New ] Wow. Tonight words can't even describe what's going on inside my stomach, inside my head... I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I can't handle Blake's outbursts on a 2 days empty stomach. Hell. I can't even handle talking to Charley during my fast because I'm too scared that I'll spill it. And I can't handle having him act more weird around me than he already is. Maybe I'm hypersensitive. But it's killing me. Day 3: zero calories and strong I'm going to go throw up now. ...not. I wish I could. VIEW ADD

[July 20 2008 11:34pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | Soco Amaretto Lime - Brand New ] We're gonna stay like this forever. Obviously.  There's no way to save me from this rut.  To save me from this monster that's eating me. I can't believe the lack of backbone in you.  It disgusts me. Almost as much as I disgust myself. No girl should have to feel like shit on her birthday.  And yet... I do.  Probably because instead of losing weight, I've gained. VIEW ADD

[June 26 2008 10:17pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | my myspace song... ] I'm so tired of being replaceable. I'm soooo tired of being replaceable. I can smell Royce on my skin, and it makes my heart smile. I can feel everyones arms around me, and it makes me feel so special. It's taken me two years, but I think I found out why I love Crosswinds so much. Why I love those people so much. To them, I'm irreplaceable. I don't know how they do it, but they seem to value me so much. More than I think anyone has ever valued me in my whole life. They can have other best friends. They can have other priorities. But when I'm around, I feel like I'm the only star in the sky. Maybe that's why I love it there so much; feeling like I'm a long lost sister coming home to my family. Coming home to my family. Maybe thats why I love them so much. Because supposedly nothing may run thicker than the blood of your immediate family, but Crosswinds blood is the thickest that they come. They're my family, and every day of my life I regret leaving. They're the only arms I feel welcome in. The only people I feel undeniably comfortable with. No one else can offer me the things they've offered me; the love and the hugs and the kind words that they give to me every time we cross paths... Family only lasts so long. But my Crosswinds family, I'm thinking its forever. I love it there. I miss it there. Walking through the doors was like walking into an alternate life that I haven't been in for years. Walking through the doors and getting a double hug from Asher and Jaida, walking through the doors and seeing Emma Abbott and Royce... He's gotten so tall. He's gotten too tall, not shorter than me anymore and rippled hair. I miss his hugs everyday that I'm sad, which is basically everyday, because no matter what, Royce will always give the best hugs. Royce is the best as they come. Coming through the doors and basically tackling Royce, turning around to see Grady, and turning back around to see Riley... it was like the puzzle pieces that I had been missing came in and fit around me. I miss them all so much, miss their support and miss their jokes... And then I realize. Nothing is the same anymore. Some things are, I guess. But walking into that lunch room was like walking into a place that I once knew but hadn't seen in a long time. Which I guess is a true statement... but whatever. No one sits next to each other anymore. Riley sits with his girlfriend, all the way on the other side of the lunchroom from Grady and his girlfriend and MJ, who was amazing to see as well. I miss her a lot, too, and she's one of the only people that I trust with every last inch of my life. Hopefully she reads this someday and hears that, because honestly love, you're amazing. It was so good to see you. But back to what I was saying. Theres still the twins that sit with Deja, and theres still Angelica and her friends... and theres still Jessica and Heather and her friends, and there will probably always be Alyssa and Shelby and Ivette. It was overwhelming. I walked into the lunchroom shaking like a leaf. I walked to the doors and read the sign that says "Students use the window..." and went to the window. Then I realized it. I'm not a student there anymore. I haven't been for a very long, long time. And I regret it every day. I signed in, shaking so hard that I could hardly write my name on the sheet of paper. Colin's auntie was a sweetie to me, which is a change of pace from what I remember. Felipe was there, still alive thankfully. I miss him. Which reminds me. Why the hell didn't I go visit Walter? I walked into that lunchroom and shook so hard that I thought I was in an earthquake. I got dirty looks from old friends who still felt abandonment, and got hugs from people I never expected to remember me. Even from the people who hated me, I still got welcomed with open arms. I think thats the thing I love most about Crosswinds. No matter where I go, no matter what I do... they're always there with their arms open as wide as they possibly can go and ready to give as many hugs and wipe away as many tears as they can. And I would give any limb of my body, any organ, any possession for them.  I would fight any day for them, take a bullet for them, and I know that most of them would do the same for me. Its that reassuring sense of unconditional love that makes me want to go back.  Its knowing that going back, I'm always welcome. It was like coming home. But there is, of course, a downside. Life doesn't stop going for me. Time stops for no man, no woman, no animal and not even Jesus.  Time stops for no one, and it changes people.  It changes their priorities, it changes the things they care about, it changes them.  And I always walk into that school and expect everything to be the same. And in some ways, I suppose it is.  But in many, many others, its very different. I already ask too much of them.  They already give me too much.  Things change, people fade, and though they may still be important to you... they're not in your life anymore. And thats why I told myself to be okay when every last one of them left without saying goodbye. VIEW ADD

[June 24 2008 5:18pm] [ mood | empty ] [ music | Letter to Polly - Andrew Landon ] I wish you could only begin to understand. I only wish... Fuck. I wish there was one person. One Person in my life that could pick up the pieces and could help me hold them together. But any person that I allow to see the mess that my life is... see the scattered pieces of my well being spilled across the floor... they run. I wish I could find someone... anyone that wouldn't run away from me like I was the plague. I don't even know what I do. I miss who you used to be. I miss who I used to be. I miss how beautiful I used to be. How thin I used to be. When someone actually loved me. I wish you would stop telling me that you love me. I wish that you would stop leading me on, stop making me want to forgive you for things that are unforgivable. I'm tired of being alone. People can tell me over and over that I'm not alone... that I always have them... but in the end, when I need people the most, the people I need the most abandon me like I never existed. No, not like I never existed. I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember. I've written it in speeches, I've used it in conversation, I've told it to myself in the countless rounds of telling myself "You're not worthy" in my mind... I wish I wasn't slipping in and out of translucency in everyone's minds, in everyone's conscience, in everyone's memories.  I'm never there... but you're always there.  You're always there, always there reminding me that I'm worth nothing to anyone besides my family.  And even then, I'm only really left with my mother.  How fucking pathetic is that. I wish you wouldn't abandon me.  I just don't understand what else I can do... Am I not good enough for you?  Am I seriously not enough? I try so hard for you, for you and only you, you're always the most important in my life...  and I'm constantly left feeling like everything I do is in vain.  Maybe I give myself too much credit. Or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But maybe if I was beautiful.... I'd stop being this no one.  I'd move from the personal purgatory that I've been forced into by my ugliness. Maybe if I was beautiful... you'd love me again. Today is the one year anniversary of Sam's death.  It falls on the second day of the Wimbledon marathon... ruining my perpetually happy mood. Fuck. Tomorrow, I could be dead.  I just wish I could say... that I'm dying beautiful.  Sam died beautiful.  She was a beautiful girl, inside and out.  She deserved to live, to let the world continue to be lit by her sunshine.  Even though I didn't know her well, I'd gladly trade her places. She deserves to be alive, with her boyfriend and the people who love her. I'm not sure if anyone besides my mother would even notice if I was gone... I'm not that much of an importance to anyone besides Blake and Annabeth.  And even with them, I'm no priority. I'm sorry I'm so negative.  I'm sorry I can't be good enough. And I'm sorry I'm terrible at fasting. VIEW ADD

[June 23 2008 12:37am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Thunder Cover - Some Random Girl on YouTube ] Lets remind ourselves not to read disturbing novels before bedtime :) FUCK! lmfao :) Today was a good day. I only had two meals, and not even real ones at that. Bagels, of course, and orange juice, of course for dinner. And then my dad forced me to go to dinner after RENT, so I just had some fettuccine at Green Mill... along with two smoothies :) Fuck, if I'm gonna have to eat in front of him... I may as well eat, right? Whatever, not like hes home to watch me NOT eat. Just give him a show. I'd say that mindframe is morbid, but its not morbid. It's... disturbed?  I don't know. I don't like it. And then a tinytinytiny piece of cake at Katie's grad party.  Which was the best piece of cake I've ever had. Tomorrow, I'm going to be even better... and I'm going to Kaeleigh's to go swimming! :D VIEW ADD

[June 22 2008 12:00am] [ mood | determined ] [ music | nothing ] A red bracelet is what I'm on the lookout for. If you're part of the anorexia community, you know what I'm getting at. I threw my old one away when I thought this was over, but now I'm working on obtaining one again. I went back to BlueDragonfly.org to find that, much to my dismay, it's gone. I loved that bracelet that I bought there, and it was such a supportive community. Feathers should perhaps start making them to sell to members. Which reminds me, maybe I should go post there for once in a blue moon. It'd be nice to go to see my girls. Today, I'm crushed. Today, I am full. Today, I give up. Today, I become committed. This is commitment. I am committed. You forced me here. I'll never be good enough for you. I once was, but not anymore. I'm something you don't ever see, I'm something thats hollow and non-important, quite honestly a convenience in your life. I'm no ones fucking convenience. So I'm done changing the way I live to fit your needs. Back to this. I'm back to this. Keep your food in your stomach, but whatever food it is, make it less than a hundred calories. Fight for this. SURVEY :DDD General Age? 14 Height? 5'7" Weight? my hw :/ Lowest Weight? 111 Highest Weight? not saying. What weight do you want to weigh? ideally, 120 What eating disorder do you have? Anorexia, ED-NOS In Depth How many calories do you eat in a day, on average? Too many. On good days under 400. Do you throw up your food on occasion? I can't. I keep my promises. Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? Adriana Lima. Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? I HAVE NO ENERGY TO EVEN GET OUT OF BED. But I go to the gym and play tennis. Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? Yes, hasn't everyone? Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? 8 days. Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? Sometimes. Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? Yes. Have you ever been hospitalized for your ED? Not yet. Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? Nope. Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? Yes. Body Image Q's Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? Yes. What part of your body would you change? Everything. I have flaws that even an Eating Disorder can't fix. On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body? 1. Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? Yes, basically. Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed? Yes, I almost always am. Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? Yes. And every single person who I pass on the street. Health/Food Do you think you eat healthy enough? Relatively. Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? Not one bit. Fat grams? A bit. Calories? Terribly. Are you often tired/fatigued? Yes. Do you feel more energised after eating food? No, I feel guilty. Do you eat meat? Chicken and chicken only. Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.: I have OCD, so certain foods I eat ritually like Chex Mix or Cinnamon Raisin bagels from Brueggers, but other foods I cut it up into small pieces and push it around to make it look like I've eaten more. Do people tell you you look sick or famished? Yeah. More sick than famished. Have you ever thrown up blood? Yes. Is your heart bpm above 49? I'm too lazy to check. Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? Yes. Other Stuff Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? I suppose. People see themselves the way they see themselves, no matter who's on the cover of Elle.  I know that even if the media wasn't around, I would still have my eating disorder. Beauty is beauty, and people walking around who are thin are beautiful. You don't need a magazine or a television to have images of perfection thrown at you several times a day. What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? I'm not pro-ana.  This is an issue I have with myself, and not one I would wish on anyone else. Do you have any other mental disorders? No. What's your favourite food to eat? Rice. Favourite drink? Depends. Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? Yes. And no. Do you want to recover? This is a choice I make. VIEW ADD

[June 17 2008 12:55am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Charley's Voice ] Just saw Alex's new girl. Fuck. She's so much prettier than I could ever hope to be. Fasting. Fasting fasting fasting until I go to Crosswinds next week. Need to drop 10 pounds by like next Wednesday. Haha, like thats phyiscally possible. VIEW ADD

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